Today I want to talk about five things that narcissists hate normal people love. But I want to focus on what you can do if you find yourself in a relationship with somebody that’s like this. So, let’s get started.
1 Narcissists hate holidays
They hate festivities; they hate birthdays; they hate anniversaries; they hate anything that’s a cause for celebration that comprises something other than recognizing their gift to the earth. So, if you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, they will sabotage every special occasion and use it to get other people miserable. So that they can feed their narcissistic supply. Why?
Well, special occasions are a time for celebration, there is time to reflect on your values on the people that you love, there is time to put away or put aside your stress and your problems and focus on things that are important to you and special to you. That’s a problem for the narcissist because they are the only thing special in their eyes, and this creates in the narcissus pathological jealousy. They’re jealous that other people can have genuine happiness without faking it, they’re jealous that other people can enjoy the company of others without thinking of how they can manipulate and get something out of somebody, they’re jealous that people know how to have fun, they only pretend. So, what can you do if you’re in this situation?
The first thing is to recognize that is how they are if every year you’re hoping for a different anniversary or a different special occasion that this year things are going to be different especially if months prior to this the narcissist acts as if things are going to be different. You’re setting yourself up to be hurt. They know what you want and they can give you what you need, their power. Their narcissistic supply comes in denying you that and watching you suffer.
In order to enjoy what is special to you, let go of hoping that the other person is going to be what you would like them to be. They will not enjoy it, ever. So, letting go of that will help you focus on your enjoyment. Something else you can do is look for ways to enjoy that don’t include them or don’t involve needing them. For example, I knew one family that for their anniversary, this woman picked up quickly that no matter how hard she tried, no anniversary ever turned out like a special occasion. It was always a nightmare. So, what she did was, celebrate what came to be a family tradition for them and it was known as their family day, instead of celebrating an anniversary of the couple, she created a celebration in which every family member got each other gifts and they celebrated their family. Now, of course, the gifts were her helping the children get gifts for everyone including each other and her buying gifts for everyone they never included the narcissist getting gifts for anybody and that was okay, not expecting him to do that kept her stress down and her focus on having fun.
2 Narcissists hate happiness
Anytime you’re happy, they will strive to stamp it out.
How do does the narcissist feel about happiness? Think of somebody in New York City, that is home, and sees a cockroach in the grotesque disgust. They see it, for that cockroach motivates them to grab anything and slam it just to kill it. Well, that’s what the narcissist feels when they see you or a family member feeling happy.
Now, in my face-to-face coaching when I explained this to people who are new to learning about narcissistic abuse, and they’re telling me and they’re asking me why do you think he or she does this? And they’re explaining it, and it’s literally just them being happy and the other party doing everything to stamp it out. When I explained that’s their goal, I’m always met with the same face that is always like, how could that possibly be? how could there be a person? Whose goal is to stamp out the happiness of their significant other that’s not normal, exactly. we’re not talking about normal people, we’re talking about people that are dysfunctional, that are toxic, that have a distorted view of reality and of themselves and of you.
Happiness is someone else as threat to their false image, it’s a threat to who they think they are. Because narcissists don’t feel happiness, they’re not full of joy, they don’t radiate genuine excitement; they imitate or mirror those qualities from other people, but it’s not genuine authentic emotions that they’re having, they’re fabricating them, they’re imitating them. They see you as a genuine, authentic being; you have something they will never have and that’s the ability to feel genuine happiness from your core, not a facade, not something that’s false or fabricated, something real, that makes you better than them and they can’t have that. Now, again, this is their logic, not mine.
So, they need to stamp it out, see you miserable so, that they can like really it’s like a release valve that’s set off, and they’re like “okay I’m good, I’m not miserable she or he is, look how miserable they are, I’m not miserable, I’m the happy one” anytime you’re happy, threatens that reality and that’s why they hate it. So, how do you handle that if you’re still in the relationship? Again, is very similar to the first one that we talked about regarding holidays, letting go. Letting go of what you cannot control. When you’re with somebody that never seems happy with what you do but did in the beginning because they seemed happy at one time, so you feel like it can come, it can be there. It’s just something wrong with you and you’re striving and striving and striving and striving to get back to that point where they could find happiness in you, where they could be happy when you’re happy.
Letting go of hoping that will come back because that was never real, to begin with if you’re dealing with a toxic narcissistic person. That was a facade to get you hooked into the relationship it wasn’t real. So, let go of living to make them happy. That should not be your primary goal in life. Now, it would be nice obviously when we’re in a relationship and we’re normal relatively healthy because none of us are perfectly healthy relatively, healthy individuals we want to make the other party happy, we strive to make that person happy. But if somebody has proven over a long period of time that they have now become an unfeasible person, then we have to let it go and we have to look at our life and say what am I doing to make me happy. How am I living my life in line with my morals, my goals, what’s important to me, my children? Am I so focused on trying to please an unfeasible person who I’m not even happy within the things that I always wanted to be happy with and that’s my family, my children?
3 Narcissists, dislike normal healthy people
They hate when their significant other looks good. Now normal people love people who find their significant other attractive or in shape. Somebody tells me your husband is handsome, or he’s in excellent shape, I’m like thank you, and I’m feeling good, I’m like yep that’s my man, that’s normal. We like our spouse to look good, but not the Narcissist. If somebody compliments their significant other that’s a threat to them and that means oh my goodness somehow that person raised my significant other in their eyes and I’m lower. Everything’s a competition with them, everything is measured with them.
So, they hate when their significant other looks good, and that’s why they will sabotage things that are important to you, if you love to exercise they will try to discourage you from it, they will if you’re skinny, they’ll tell you that you’re too skinny until you need to gain weight, when you gain weight they’ll tell you you’re overweight and you’re not as attractive as you used to be. If you chase after trying to make them happy, you soon find that nothing you do, there is no perfect weight, there’s no perfect appearance, there is no perfect anything because they don’t want you to look good, they want the focus to be on them.
For your appearance, they will put you in double binds over and over. In my case, when I was in a relationship with somebody that was a narcissist, my hair was really long. I love long hair I know I cut it recently but I love long hair. And that person convinced me to cut it really short, so it was at my shoulder length. He brought me back and said it wasn’t short enough, the same day he said no you guys didn’t cut the hair right it has to be shorter. Cut it even shorter only to go out when everyone’s commenting on my hair and how different I look and whatever, his remark was, and this was literally the day we came home from the haircut, his remark was, I think women look more feminine and attractive with long hair.
My point is that they will sabotage how you look because they don’t want the focus to be on you, has to be on them. How do you deal with that? What do you do if you’re in a relationship with somebody like that? If you’re reading this article, that’s a good thing because you’re aware of it now. What you have to do once again, and it’s kind of like a central thing to this article, but it’s basically you recognize that you’re living for somebody that does not have your best interests at heart. So, focus on yourself. Yes, it’s going to feel awkward in the beginning because you’ve probably been taught that focusing on yourself is selfish, it’s not, it’s healthy. So, focus a little on yourself and get in touch with what’s important to you is exercise important. Are you living in accord with things that are important to you? Are you making time for things that are important to you? Or have you stopped doing them because somebody else doesn’t like them? If that’s the case, recognize it and take small steps to get back to the things that are important to you. Otherwise, you’re allowing somebody to erase you just because it threatens their false reality.
4 Something that narcissists hate is when they’re significant other, a family member, a child, or anyone they know is successful
If they have a measure of success in anything they do, we’re proud of them. It feels good to see our family members excel in something or do something well or learn something at or overcome something, we’re proud of them. Not a narcissist, not unless they could take credit for it. If they can take credit for it, then they’ll be happy for you, but if they can’t they will do everything to sabotage what you work hard to accomplish, especially if you’re successful at it. Why? Once again, your success is a threat to the fact that they are superior, they’re above everyone, everyone is beneath them and kind of the scum of the earth so, how dare you? Prove that you can do something that they can’t or you could do something better. They have to squash that once again to maintain the status quo of their being superior. What do you do?
Recognize that you cannot trust anything, the narcissist says. If they feel you are empowering yourself and stepping back and taking this, that’s necessary to protect yourself and whatever you’re accomplishing in life. They can switch forms and now be the most accommodating, the most helpful person to help you succeed. Do not trust it, it’s like a trap that a hunter puts out where they dig a hole and they put something on the top. So, it looks like solid ground, but the second you step on it “BAM” you fall into that hole, the second, you trust.
Anything the narcissist suddenly is doing that makes you doubt your conclusions about who they really are. You fall down that hole, that trap, so don’t fall for it again. Recognize that they sabotage that thing in your guts, telling you it feels like he’s doing or she’s doing it on purpose. No, but it can’t be, no trust your gut, your gut is usually right and if that’s the case take steps to protect your business, your relationship with your children, your family, friends anything that they’re trying to sabotage because you’re good at, make sure you protect that.
5 Talking about children is absolute nails on a chalkboard for them
When your children love you, they hate your children, enjoy being with you, talk about crazy. Normal people love that their children have a relationship with the other parent in fact often it’s a blessing because they’re with the other parent or and grandparents help you to know they’re safe. You get some downtime or you get time to focus on things that you need to focus on.
Prep parenting is like a tag team you do it together you work together, it takes a village! The children deserve this. Now, narcissists will tell everyone that’s how they view it, but the truth is the fact that your children want to spend time with you more is something that they hate. If you’re divorced or separated and the children are on visitation, they will be punished any time they express a desire to call you, or if they express they miss you, they will be punished. If they express any anger towards you, they will be rewarded because narcissists to see that the children is a competition with them. What do you do? If you’re still in the situation, you need to be aware of this, you need to look at the ways your significant other (or grandparent) is undermining your authority in the family if you’re the head of the family or the respect and love that you deserve as the mother, is that being undermined you have to see it.
Recognize where it comes from and start strategizing on how to help your children to view family life in a healthy way, view their family in a healthy way. If you don’t realize it, the only thing they’re being taught is the dysfunction and that is something that will be passed down.
I know it’s hard because if you are in a relationship with a narcissist, your head is not where it needs to be. You’ve been manipulated for a long time; you can barely hold back sometimes because it is always a game for them. Let alone now trying to help your children avoid getting hurt. But they need it, they need your help. These Narcisissts need boundaries and if they must be a part of your children's lives, you must prepare them on how to deal with the behavior on the other side. Therapy is extremely helpful. Otherwise, they’re going to grow up thinking that all of this is normal. Those are just SOME of the five things that narcissist hate normal people love. If you have a narcissist in your life, I hope I have given your some helpful tips on handle them.